Monday, May 30, 2011

Among the Followers: Jonclubs113

Alright alright. I've avoided posting Jonclubs on here for a couple of reasons, firstly, the creator had a rather famous flamewar with the guys of EverymanHybrid: which, I'm sure doesn't need repeating but in the most basic sense Jonclubs did a less-than-wowed review of EMH (the kind which I specialize in), the EMH guys were not please and got rude (which, they seem apt to do, as seen on their channel comments; they tend to get defensive rather than try and listen to what fans are saying) but then they apologized. Jonclubs would have no part of the apology and an epic flamewar burst forth, destroying Jonclubs forever.

Such a shame.

Secondly, I watched Jonclubs about a year ago (or so) got about halfway through and then wanted to kill myself. I wasn't particularly eager to watch it again. But, what the heck. Lets do it.

HERE THERE BE SPOILERS

Ooooh, Jonclubs, Jonclubs.

First you come on youtube with your poor acting, weird Slenderhauntings and a must-prove-I'm-gay lisp. Then you try to build popularity by creating an epic gay-rights, free-speech, EMH-vs-Jonclubs, Unfiction-vs-Slendernation flamathon. Well, it did make you famous, too bad it also shut down your vlog.

Jonclubs starts with awkward, slightly douchey Jon asking for help from the internet regarding strange noises and a stupid practical joke. Apparently people have been leaving, hold onto your shit boys and girls, circles! (dun dun duuuuun) around his dorm. Not even operator symbols, but circular objects, like cowboy hats and masking tape roles, on his floor; which he someone manages to trip over and bash his head into walls. How one trips over well-spaced roles of masking tape beats the hell out of me, but lets not quibble over details. He leaves the prankster a firm warning that whoever is doing this will not be invited to Gabriels party and won't they be sad.

Shit, if I'd known all I had to do to not go to Gabriel's party was leave circles on this asshat's floor, I'd have done it years ago.

Anyway, he hears strange noises on the tape and finds a weird shadow being cast on the wall. The noises worry him (they say, "come save her" and "It's ok" backwards) but the shadows were caused by a tree outside. Really guys. A treeeeeeeeee.

At least he had the decency to not make the demonic noise sound like the exorcist at 140 decibles.

The downside is the voice sounds like Yoda with Emphysema. Of course any subtlety or good planning goes out the window over the course of the next few videos. He wears the same shirt and sits in the same place for multiple videos, leading me to believe he filmed them all at the same time, or is just disgusting. When he first glimpses Slendy in the trees at a friends house, it's as if he saw it with his ear. His head is completely turned away from the window when he reacts to seeing it. Futhermore during the whole first Slendy appearance, only three of the four people at the 'party' are present. I wonder whhyyyyy...

Things start living in his shed, (as one fan points out "I know a good tool for cleaning up your messy backyard. The Rake), Slendy keeps tenticuddling him, and he starts finding ordinary pictures with "Creepy red letters on them!"

Moreover, evidence mounts that this whole ordeal is effecting Jon in a not so good way, after he starts essentially hacking his own posts. He admits he's starting to lose time, and memories, and is shortly encountered by what I can only pray to God isn't supposed to be Slender Man. Then he goes to his friend Gabriell's house and vanishes. His theatrically challenged friend starts to upload the footage from Jon's visit and subsequent vanishing. 


Shortly thereafter, the series itself vanished. 

It was a tree guys...

Yup. Just a tree.

A short...white face...alien tree...


Characters: 
Jon: Lispy, pissy little twat who starts bitching the moment the camera turns on and doesn't stop well after it's over. Furthermore, he breaks my cardinal rule of what irritates me. He films for no reason, he posts video that he sees no reason to post simple to scare fans, and he stops during intense moments to give long diatribes about his take on whats going on. Whats more, he's about as emotional and believable as a Taxidermied squirrel carved out of wood. The few times he acts emotionally, are when he's overacting, like the multiple times he sees Slender Man with his left ear, or gets startled by his alarm before it even goes off. 

Gabe: Boring, poorly acted, hipster nerd. Antagonizes Jon about whether or not the Slenderman is real, resulting in more pissy complaining from Jon, and then proceeds to panic when Slendy shows up at his house. Also as wooden an actor as a carving of a dead squirrel. 

Other guys at the party: and who really gives a flying fart about these guys anyway?

Various other Youtube accounts: who are clearly plants to move the plot along. If you're going to have plants, and for christsakes don't have plants, at least attempt to make them slightly believable, instead of Professor Justin Thyme and his use account ProfessorJustinThymeKnowsEverythingNeededToMoveThisStoryAlong and his amazingly accurete insight regarding what's going on, despite the fact that it's obviously a guy, living in his parent's basement with a crazy case of pre-installed-Windows-movie-maker. 



My Rating: F


REALLY? You couldn't actually take the time to freaking find a black pen to draw your oh-so-creepy operator symbol? You just used the first friggin pen you found? For God's sake man! Since when does Slendy use blue pens??? 
REALLY??? You couldn't take the time to learn your damn lines? For Christ's sake we can see them reflected in your goddamn glasses. Not that we needed to see them, we could all tell that you were sitting there reading like a first grade illiterate troll. 
REALLY...you couldn't find a better Slenderman? I realize that it's tough but a prominently breasted girl with an alien mask and no stilts don't do Mr. Tall justice. Furthermore, you follow this appearance with the most weird-ass Slender reponse video, with bad special effects, Threatening messages written out on diapers, and dancing Slenderheads. 
REAAAALLLLYYY: You didn't even have the balls to be a decent human on the internet, then you went and shut everything down because you were having a pout-fest in your bedroom because not everybody liked you. I'm not saying that the EMH guys weren't dicks in response, irregardless, you were also a dick. Furthermore, you tried to promote your series with bad youtube proxies, and flamewars. What did you expect? Love and adoration for your shoddy slender effects? The only time you scared me was when you went from a whisper to a 100 decibel Slender-scream and I could scare people on the street that way with a bullhorn and my butt. 


I have no respect for this series. Sorry to all those who do. 


No, actually I'm not sorry. I've watched this series twice now and it has not improved with rewatching. I'm tired of people praising Slender series because some guy with a camera decides to post a video of him looking nervously out the window for 5 minutes.


I DEMAND QUALITY. I DEMAND PEOPLE WITH BRAINS ON THE INTERNET! I DEMAND
*brain aneurysm*.

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